After 12 weeks of training, spending most of my waking hours
either working out, napping, or obsessing over the training schedule, I have
made a decision.
I will not be racing in Ironman Boulder.
Writing that statement brings tears to my eyes, but also peace
to my heart. The decision did not come
lightly, but I believe it’s the right one.
For the record, there is no other life-shattering issue going on that is
pulling my focus away from Ironman. No
injury is preventing me from training. Everything else in my life is
great. It’s just Ironman.
Here’s a little background.
Since beginning my training, I’ve had 3 colds in as many months. More than with any other training season, my
joints are taking more of a beating than I can bear. I have competed in 3 triathlons and a
marathon in the last 9 months. I would
have no summer outside of training. All
of these things have been building up to a painful realization.
I find no joy in triathlon like I once did. I feel like I’m shackled to it. I used to love training, but I don’t
now. And I found that there is nothing
in my life that says I NEED to compete in this race and/or at this distance. When I signed up for this race, I leaped (as I often do) headlong into it before checking to see if I should. Ever since training began, I have been fighting with some wrong decisions. Ironman Boulder was not the race I should have done…if there is such a thing.
The decision came this past Friday while out for a 3-hour
ride following one of the hardest parts of the bike course, Carter Lake. After about an hour and a half, I hated my
bike and I resented my training.
Everything hurt, head to toe. But
the tears that came were not from physical discomfort, but rather from the
realization that something had to give.
If I can’t handle a 3-hour ride, how can I expect to handle
a 6+-hour ride? I’m only halfway through
my training season, and I’m sick of this.
I’m not having fun. I’m giving up
most of my summer…actually most of my LIFE for something I’m not sure I even
want anymore…then it hit me. One
question floated up in my head accompanied by two images. Which one of these is more important? Soren or a 140.6 sticker and bragging rights?
A friend of mine once said to me, if it’s good for me, it’s good
for Soren. In this case, there are two
sides to that statement. On the one
hand, it’s good that I’m pursuing my own goals, and that I’m working hard to do
so. Soren sees the example I set. However, in order to effectively train for
Ironman, I had to sign up Soren for several weeks worth of Summer camp. I simply couldn’t shake the feeling that I
was shipping him off so I could do my thing.
It just didn’t seem fair to him.
Is Ironman good for me?
Maybe. Is it good for Soren? Not if it means he takes a backseat in my
life. This moment, this realization made
the decision for me.
With 10 miles left to go in my ride the other day, I started
weeping. I’m not an Ironman, and I’m not
sure I ever will be. But I’d rather be a
good mom than an Ironman…ever.
When I got back to my car, I called two people: My best
friend and my mom. Both gave me words of
encouragement, and said it was okay to walk away. Tears of grief punctuated both phone
calls. I felt like a quitter. I felt like I was letting myself and everyone
else down. If you are reading this, I’m
talking about you. Some of you have gone
beyond reading the blog to signing up to volunteer at the race, or train with
me, or watch Soren while I went for a ride.
Your support, your cheers, and your admiration (in spite of thinking
I’ve lost my mind) kept me going this long.
I’m sad. I’m
disappointed. But I’m also
relieved. I woke up this morning WANTING
to go for a run instead of feeling like I HAVE to. I didn’t go running, but it was nice to know
that the “want to” was back.
So what’s next? I
have lots of options. I can withdraw
from Ironman Boulder and never look back.
I can defer to another race, either 70.3 or a full IM. I can do nothing and not show up, earning my
first DNF. I still want to race, and I
probably will before the end of the year.
I’m not sure yet what I will do.
Today I will grieve the loss of this dream and rest. I’ll take some time to repair my body and
know that I’ve made the right choice.
So there it is. I have
phone calls to make, camps and hotel rooms to cancel, and eventually decide my
next race. I’m not giving up on
triathlon or running, only racing on August 3rd, 2014. The mission statement at the right says there will be victory. I think I can declare victory here, because I'm seeing something more important. It's not about a finish line. Am I strong enough to finish? Maybe…we may never know. But this is not about me. I think it takes greater
Thanks to all of you who have shown support through this
process. The journey to Ironman has come
to a…Rest stop…Because I don’t know yet if it’s over. I’m going to camp out here for a while. I’m not convinced the journey is over, but
I’m also not sure if I’ll continue toward the 140.6 destination. I don’t like to say never, so I won’t about Ironman. Maybe someday, but then again, maybe
not. Either way, it’s all about what’s
best for me and my family.
With all my gratitude,
Heather
