Sometimes we get second chances. Sometimes we are allowed to make up for past mistakes and try again having learned from those mistakes.
18 months ago, when I signed up for Ironman Boulder, I made some mistakes.
First mistake was, I signed up for the wrong race. Those of you following this blog may remember I had lots of choices and weighed all the pros and cons. Ironman British Columbia, Wisconsin, Arizona, and Coeur d'Alene (Idaho) were all on my list until they opened a Boulder event which would take place in early August. I thought I could manage the training during the hot summer months and be a stay-at-home single mom at the same time. I was wrong. After having signed up, I dropped out halfway through my training. Doing so shattered my confidence. On my bad days, I felt like a quitter. On my good days, I knew I had made the right decision for me and for my son. But I spent the next several months thinking that and Ironman finish is still sitting out there teasing me, calling me...
Another mistake I made was not hiring a coach. I have great training partners. Their support and enthusiasm got me through some tough workouts, but I needed a bit more accountability than that. Although I was following a plan through the training peaks website, a one-size-fits-all prescription for crossing a finish line wasn't cutting it. The plan did not provide coach support designed to meet my needs, strengths and weaknesses.
Third mistake: I severely underestimated the time commitment. I spent just as much time training as I did stressing out about getting in said training. The hours on the bike alone overwhelmed me, and I simply could not get my training to comply with my circumstances. My training would fall apart if I had a long ride planned and then it snowed, or my son had to stay home with the flu. The biggest training days seemed to fall victim to life happening, and I had no contingency.
I could go on and on about the mistakes I made...overtraining too early in the season, overcommitting to other things, being over-confident...the bottom line is that I had myself a huge slice of humble pie back in May. I curled up in my own little world, felt sorry for myself for a bit, mad at myself for a long time, and just fed up with how I could have made such mistakes. So, I took a couple of steps back. I re-evaluated not just my athletic goals, but many others goals and dreams as well, and I came up with a solution. First things first...Get 'er done. Just go do an Ironman, and get it over with -- but do it better this time. In 10 years, it's unlikely I'll be physically capable, so I want to do this while I still can.
It took months to warm up to this idea. Part of me wanted it. It was out there waiting for me, and I just had to follow the call. But when I started to get comfortable with committing to a race, I would get so far as the IM web page, then balk. Just freeze, talk myself out of it. This happened repeatedly for weeks. I was paralyzed and couldn't commit. I had all the arguments for signing up. "You know you are going to do this." "Register before it sells out." "This is the right race." I couldn't do it.
At one point, I finally asked myself, "what is my problem?!" My own answer surprised me. I was terrified. What if I can't actually do it? What if I build it all up again, and drop out...quit...again? What if I don't really have what it takes to finish an Ironman season? I realized that my fear of failure...or at least feeling like I had failed was keeping me from making that leap. I get it... in my athletic life, I am not a failure. I do get that. But, sometimes the mean voices make me forget all I have accomplished so far. Once I figured out how to shut those voices up, the idea of signing a registration form didn't seem so scary.
So I finally sat down and filled out page after page of registration information and I think somewhere along the line I signed over my first grandchild to the Ironman corporation, but I can't be sure. But it happened.
So did I learn from my mistakes?
Well, this time, the race is in Idaho at the end of June (not Boulder in August). All the hard training will be done before school is out and the weather gets too hot. Also, Coeur d'Alene is beautiful. A fellow athlete put it to me this way, "even if you have the worst race day ever, the scenery might just be enough to distract you from that."
This time I did hire a coach. I need someone who will write a prescription for me: a competitive swimmer who loves to run and hates to ride. I need a guide to help me adequately train for my weaknesses (read: biking) and keep me from over-training my strengths. Enter Coach Kirk Blackmon. I call him "Captain Kirk." I get my orders from Captain Kirk. There are so many fun things I can do with that! I have live access to him through e-mail (sub-space), and a monthly phone call (hailing frequencies open...yeah, okay that's enough of that for now), and my training schedule, designed by my coach takes my athletic level and circumstances into consideration.
Lastly, the time commitment hasn't changed. But there are things I know I will have to let go this season. Probably won't ski much this year, and any traveling I do will include serious running miles, but the race date is already working in my favor, and I have a coach to help me through when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've had to re-tool my budget for a few months, but manageably so as long as I am smart about where my money goes.
So it's done. Mark your calendars for Sunday, June 28th, 2015. I will be in Coeur d'Alene. Flights and hotels are booked. I'm going. It's happening this time.
I do not feel the excitement and anticipation around this event as I did when I signed up for Boulder. In fact, I'm quite apprehensive and cautious, and that is probably a good thing. My tangle with my own limitations and humility put all of this in perspective. Ironman is not a given, but I have a second chance at my first attempt. It's not often we get a "do-over" and I don't want to blow this one.
Wish me luck.
